The 10% That Really Matters

If you interact with other humans in any part of your life, there will be conflict at some point. In design and construction, you have a new team on every project. That means new personalities, new dynamics, new saboteurs and lots of potential conflicts.

That sounds challenging because it is! However, there’s a simple shift in perspective that can make things a lot smoother.

Conflict is inevitable AND difficult for most of us. Sounds like a recipe for pain…or growth.

“Attachment to views, attachment to ideas, attachment to perceptions are the biggest obstacle to the truth.” Thich Nat Hanh

Put another way, would you rather be right or happy? Your Sage knows that declaring yourself “right” or stubbornly digging into your position is not the path of ease and flow when it comes to conflict resolution. If you enter conflict with your Saboteurs in the driver’s seat, there is nowhere to go but down.

Instead, try applying some of your Sage powers.

At the most basic level, what does the other person want or need? This applies to you as well. So often, we get inflamed or distracted by stories, past experiences or meaning making that we lose sight of the core issue. Human-ing is hard, start with some empathy for everyone involved.

Often there’s an underlying fear—fear of failure, fear of looking bad, fear of rejection, fear of poverty, etc. etc. You can relate with that, right? If you put yourself in the other person’s shoes, how would you be feeling?

Then try this on: the other person(s) is always at least 10% right. What? I know! This can be difficult when we are so attached to our ideas and beliefs. But it can be a game changer.

Get really curious. Imagine you are a fascinated anthropologist looking at the situation. Without blame or judgment, what are ALL the relevant factors that might be contributing to the situation? Include information about yourself, others and the circumstances. Turn over every stone with wide-eyed curiosity and see what you discover.

Now that you see all the factors at play, and what is important to all involved, how can you make this a win-win? It doesn’t have to be a zero sum game. Everyone can come away satisfied. A simple example: say there is only one orange and two people want it. As you get curious you may discover that one needs the rind for a recipe and the other wants to eat the fruit.

By the way, you don’t necessarily need two to tango. You can be the only one applying these steps and things will still go better. If your colleague/friend/spouse is willing to join you, then celebrate!

Want to give it a try? Download my Win-Win Conflicts guide.

Journal Prompts:

What views or beliefs am I attached to?

Would I rather be right or happy?

With whom am I willing to try this technique?