“Difficult” People as a Gift
Image © Positive Intelligence
Perhaps someone came to mind when you read the subject of this blog. Chances are, you find this person “difficult” because they have strong Saboteurs. When our Saboteurs are driving the bus, the ride is bumpy, unpredictable, volatile, and chaotic.
And remember, depending on the circumstances, the “difficult” one may be you. None of us are exempt.
When someone is hijacked by their Saboteurs, they are coming from a place of fear, reactivity and habit. If we’re not careful, we will quickly devolve into Saboteur mode as well because of mirror neurons (our nervous system starts to reflect the nervous state of those around us). Do not fuel their Saboteurs with your fear, negativity or reactivity! There is nowhere to go but down from here.
Instead, turn this person into your trainer or teacher, helping you to build the mental muscle strength to respond from your Sage instead. In PQ® we do “PQ Reps,” which is focusing all your attention on a single, physical sensation like sound, touch or breath. This is how to create a gift out of a challenging situation. Turn the person into a force of good by helping you to grow your mental fitness.
You might also try waking up their Sage with Empathy. This can be easier if you picture the person at 5 years old—imagine their hair, eyes and facial expression. Have empathy for how painful it is to be hijacked; after all, you know that feeling too. It’s the human condition. Then connect with that being. Their Sage and that 5 year old might be cowering in the corner praying for relief. Draw this calmer, gentler part out with compassion, love and curiosity.
Be vulnerable. Share about your challenges with your own Saboteurs; don’t attack theirs. Most of us know we have these patterns and behaviors and are afraid to admit it. Your vulnerability just may draw out the Sage in them and allow them to be vulnerable. It may not,
and that’s okay too, don’t push it.
If all else fails, it’s boundary time! Throw their Saboteur a bone to keep them busy and to do damage control, like giving a bone to a barking dog. If the Controller is running rampant, give them a small thing they can control. If Stickler is running the show, give them a small task they can try to perfect.
An interior designer client of mine had a client who was getting all up in the details of their materials and fixture selections—going online to research plumbing, tile, woodwork, hardware, all of it. After the first three strategies above failed, we came up with a plan to give the client the task of selecting the lighting for a few secondary spaces. Their client had a task to occupy them, and my client was free to do their job.
With the holidays coming, there will be a lot of Saboteurs in action, at work and at home. This time can be stressful and triggering for some, while for others we slip right back into old habits, patterns and stories. Whether it’s a client, co-worker or family member, try to leave a little space for grace. Start with empathy for yourself so you can more freely give it to others. And be quick to get in your body (paying exquisite attention to your senses) and out of your head to smooth out the rough spots.
May the Sage be with you!
Journal Prompts:
Who in my life can be my trainer or teacher?
When I practice empathy for this person, what happens?
What is my strategy for the next time we interact?
